Mad

I'm not really sure I should be posting this, but it's how I feel today, and I feel like this is the only way I know how to deal with all the thoughts in my head.

I'm mad.

I'm mad today. I'm frustrated and mad.

I'm mad that I'm bringing my family home to see my mom and not my dad. I'm mad and angry that he's not there. This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't how I thought it would be in my head before I got married. I imagined my little family coming over to my parent's home and enjoying this wonderful time of year. I imagined him taking them out in their first snow. I imagined my dad in that red and white suit talking to my kids, listening to their innocent voices. I imagined them knowing the "real" Santa like I did my whole life. I imagined the wonderment on their faces as they looked up in his bright, loving, blue eyes. I imagined the mystery and excitement, and one day the look on their faces as they looked at those big, safe hands and say, "that's Pop"! I imagined him telling them the same story he told me about how he was Santa's special helper, and had been asked specifically by Santa to help him visit little girls and boys. And that it was a secret and they couldn't tell anyone. And they wouldn't. And secretly they would be so proud that "their" Pop was chosen, like I always was.

Today I feel robbed. I feel robbed of those experiences and hundreds of others. that my children would have had with him.

They don't get to know him. They don't get to know of his goodness.

I'm listening to Christmas music, and today it doesn't feel like the most wonderful time of the year. All the words seem fake.

I'm sure things will be better tomorrow, and I will once again understand that things are how they should be. But today, right now, Christmas doesn't seem right without my dad.